Farewell.

So I really wanted to post a copy of my farewell talk to anyone who may not have been able to come. I changed a little bit as a talked but the jist of it is the same.

Brothers and sisters, it is so good to be home. I have been in this ward since I was a sunbeam and though it has changed over the years, it will always be home.  And get ready because I hear I am the first of many missionary talks to come over the next few weeks. How great is that? Its going to be wonderful and im so happy for my dear friends who have also decided to serve.

From the time I got my call I had been thinking about this day and what I wanted to speak about.  As I studied and prepared more for my mission I knew that I wanted to focus on Christ. After all, it is He who I will be representing and it is His name I will wear just below my own,  on my chest for the next 18 months. Once I made this decision I started to think about Him more and more each day. I started to look for Him and take note of his presence  in my lessons in church,  general conference,  discussion with my friends and everyday life. And with each passing day, I noticed Him more. Before this time in my life, Im not sure I could've really said that I knew Christ or understood Him. I knew he loved me, and I knew he died for me, but I didn't come unto Him until I began to know him.

In my experience through studying and preparing for my mission,  there were two distinct ways in which I came to know Christ.   That is ..

1) through developing Christ-like attributes and striving to become like Him

2) coming to a greater understanding of the atonement.

 

My mom has told me many times that, "Life is a becoming process." And how true that is. We are in constant evolution towards a common goal, that is to come unto Christ and become like Him. Unlike other institutions of the world that want us to learn something, the gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to become something.

Dallin H. Oaks tells of a story in which a wealthy father wants to give his inheritance to his son who he knew had not learned enough to adequately handle it.

The man says,                 

“All that I have I desire to give you—not only my wealth, but also my position and standing among men. That which I have I can easily give you, but that which I am you must obtain for yourself. You will qualify for your inheritance by learning what I have learned and by living as I have lived. I will give you the laws and principles by which I have acquired my wisdom and stature. Follow my example, mastering as I have mastered, and you will become as I am, and all that I have will be yours.”

 

This is also how the gospel works, inviting us to be like him so as to inherit eternal life and happiness and giving us the commandments and resources to do.

Robert L. Millett says one of my favorite quotes, "Perfect worship is emulation… to strive with all our might to become more like him marks the difference between mere admiration of Him and the greater adoration of Him." To me that means that seeking to become perfect as Christ was shows our ultimate loyalty and love to Him.

There is a lesson in Preach my gospel called "How do I develop Christ-like Attributes?" This lesson I came to know very well because it was the first lesson in church or otherwise that I had ever given.  I was asked by my ward mission leader to teach it to a class of a few future missionaries and several returned missionaries. These were all people I had grown to look up to very much and I admired them greatly. I was super nervous and I felt pretty incapable to teach such amazing people. I thought that the people called to teach the class were starting to ask the pre missionaries to teach the class as a learning exercise. However, with each passing week, I remained the only student that had taught, and with each passing week, I gained a stronger knowledge that that assignment was from God. He knew that I needed it. He knew that in preparation I would study it backwards and forwards, reading all the scriptures associated with each attribute and How Christ possessed them. And by doing so, I would personally receive a deeper understanding and testimony of Christ.  And I am immensely happy for that blessing.

The attributes as listed were Charity and Love, Virtue, Knowledge, Patience, Diligence, Humility and Obedience. But that wasn't enough for me to describe Christ. So I added to Preach My Gospel's list and I found this talk by Mark E. Petersen that I loved and he says,

He asks us to be kind, as He was.

He asks us to shun all evil, as He did.

He asks us to be just and fair to all, as He was.

He asks us to honor our parents, as He did.

He asks us to cherish His gospel, as He did.

He asks us to honor the Sabbath day, as He did.

He resisted temptation, and so must we.

He never forgot to pray, and neither must we.

He never forgot His Father in Heaven, and neither must we."

The all encompassing list of Christ-Like attributes testifies of Christ's perfection and is an example to everyone on how we must live.

For example, diligence was an attribute that I didn't really understand or appreciate until I researched it for my lesson. As I did so, it became one of the most significant attributes to me. I came to understand it by learning that diligence is enduring, it’s a steady constant effort In the work of the Lord. Diligence is so important in missionary work because it teaches to actually work!  Even when you are tired, homesick, discouraged…those who possess diligence are promised to have joy and satisfaction In their work. 

After I taught that lesson, I started to prepare to receive my endowments and my time in Provo started to diminish very quickly. I  faced a lot of opposition and personal trials in that time and the lesson on Christ-like attributes was my anchor. And I know I would've had a lot harder of a time had I not been able to refer back to those attributes. As I encountered trials I was able to keep attributes such as patience, charity and obedience in the back of my head and ask myself am I doing everything I can to develop this attribute? Do I possess this attribute? Can others see this in me?  The effect of doing this was invaluable.  And I gained a greater testimony of Christ and I testify that as we can all apply these attributes to all aspects of our life and have Christ in the center of our mind and actions, we will come to know him and appreciate him infinitely more.

The second way that I  came to know Christ was understanding the atonement better and how it effects us all. This happened for me as I experienced my first Easter in Provo. Maybe it was just my incredible ward, roommates and friends, but Easter seemed to be this month-long affair, in which I learned so much from my peers. in fact, many things I have said and will say are things I learned - slash- stole from them. A particular experience I remember was the week before Easter a group of friends gathered at my apartment for scripture study, something we do regularly. But instead of reading from the Book of Mormon as usual, someone people suggested we read the story of the atonement from the bible. Admittedly something I had never really done so I'm really grateful for those inspired people.  As we went around we stopped often as many people would point out things about the verses, and we had about what seemed like a 2 hour long discussion on Christ. Full of people I associated with daily testifying of the atonement and teaching each other about their experiences with it. it was absolutely incredible.  One person spoke up and said something that really resonated with me, they said that if they were the only person on Earth they knew the Savior would have died for them. Consider that testimony. Many of us tend to think of ourselves and our problems as insignificant. But accepting and loving ourselves and others enough to think that the Savior of the world would die for each of us is a huge step forward. I add my witness to theirs that the suffering of Jesus Christ was an act of love for us all.

Staying on the subject of the atonement, amongst my preparation for my mission, I started a habit of bringing a notebook with me to every meeting I attended and lesson I heard. From general conference, to talks in church, to institute, scripture study and just every day quotes from my roommates and friends, I wrote down power phrases that spoke to my heart and I keep as a sources of inspiration and powerful reminders of gospel truths. I decided to comb through my notes and scriptures and piece together the ones on the atonement into my own paragraph.  I can't really provide a direct source from this, due to the fact that every sentence is from a different source so I guess I'll claim it. And I guess that probably makes me the first person to ever quote themselves in a talk.... that was my joke....  (people laughed here hehe)

My compilation reads:

"It is he who cometh to take away the sins of the world. He suffered  for fears, disappointments, discouragement, doubts, weakness.. he suffered more than man can suffer and he was spared no agony. But. He overcame the world. He will wipe away tears from all faces. He will never forsake us.  He Holds us in his strong embrace continuously. Because of Him, everyone's tomb can one day be empty, everyone's soul can again be pure, every child of God can again return to the Father who gave them life. No anguish of His own soul would ever keep Him from sustaining that role. We cannot comprehend this priceless gift, the gift that came from a Loving Christ.  I weep for joy when I contemplate the significance of it all."

I have a strong testimony of the atonement. I am so thankful for Christ's atoning sacrifice for me and for everyone else who has ever lived. Understanding the atonement has helped me immensely in coming to know my Savior.

At this point, I want to express my gratitude to my parents who have been the best examples of Christ to me and my siblings. They have centered our home around Him and supported us with Christ-like love and their example is priceless to me.  I know that a large part of my relationship and understanding of Christ is due to the people I have been lucky enough to know.  From my amazing friends in Provo who I owe so much of who I have become to and who I will never forget, to this ward family, my teachers and leaders and friends here.  To those youth of this ward, I'd say that we are lucky to have had the leaders that we have had. We are lucky to be participants in the Young men and Young women programs and though some of you may not see it, it is shaping your life to follow Christ and my experiences as a growing teenager in this ward have shaped who I am today. We are lucky, also to have this bishop, who cares for us leads us with his Christ-like love. And we are so lucky  to live in the time in which the lord is hastening his work, and through divine revelation has lowered the age of which youth can serve. I am eternally grateful for the opportunity I have to serve my mission and spread the message of the restored gospel, the pure love, and the infinite atonement of Jesus Christ to the people of Arizona.

In closing, I'd like to add that at this point in my life, I can say that I know my Savior through learning of his attributes, striving to develop and possess them, and understanding the atonement. Not perfectly, or nearly as much as I want to, but I can testify of Him with more power  than I have ever had. I see Him and feel His perfect love every day. I felt arms around me when I came home from a long hard day to find a note on my bed from my roommate simply saying she was thinking about me, I felt His desire for us to be happy as I stood on top of a mountain peak with the beautiful pacific coast stretching beneath me, I witnessed his charity and tender mercy as I watched a friend change my hopelessly flat tire as the freezing snow fell on his uncovered arms and hands, and I most certainly felt his eternal love as I walked into the celestial room for the first time and saw all  5 of my beautiful siblings and my parents waiting for me with open arms.

Brothers and sisters, I see my Savior's hands,  feel his arms and recognize His influence in my life every day. Everything good about me came from Him.  I love Him, I miss Him and I testify of Him and I do so in His name, Amen.

 

Updates.

Theres not much to report in life.

HA JUST KIDDING!

(best if read as a song…with a braggy and slightly obnoxious tone.)

Im gonna be a misssssionary, Im getting a naaaaaametag, im going to MEEEEEEsa, they're gonna lovvvvvvve me!!!

Ive already bought like my entire 18 month wardrobe and you're trippin if you think im gonna stop there. shopping is actually A LOT funner and easier than I originally planned on it being.  (thank you, Utah)

And the best most amazing most beautiful part of the WHOLE THING is that im preparing myself to have absolutely matter outside of  the gospel of Jesus Christ. Boys, music, boys, school, boys, movies, boys, work…none of it shall matter and it shall be well with me.

And you know that’s come a lot easier too. Actually. Its welcomed. Whole-heartedly.  Some would go as far as to say its freedom. *shrugs* who knows?  Maybe some could call it a feeling of indifference toward everything unpleasant that has happened ever.  Probably me. Yes, I would call it that.

Im not saying that serving a mission is a way to forget all the bad stuff in your life and have an excuse to have none of it matter... Im just saying those feelings are a welcome side affect.

And im not saying that I don't give 2 craps about all the stuff and people I cared too much about 2 weeks ago…im just saying… im pretty dang close to never looking back ever again. Which is an uncharacteristically special thing. 

In all seriousness though, I have never been more excited about anything in my life. I've NEVER felt so right about a decision, and I've never been this close to the daily comfort of the spirit. It is incredible. And I know that its going to get so much harder when im in the field, I know that. I know this experience won't be all rainbows and sunshine. But even if it changes just ONE life (other than mine)  then it'll be 100% worth it.

Even if when I come back everything has changed and all my worst fears come true….For example: My best friends are gone and moved away from provo.  Smoot, one of my best friends/dream guys, comes back from his mission and gets married to someone that’s not me.  MY BROTHER GETS MARRIED AND IM NOT THERE AND HIS PHOTOGRPAHER SUCKS. My favorite boots go out of style… even if all of that happens, I KNOW this is what Im supposed to be doing.  And if Smoot taught me anything its that God has a plan for all of us. And he will guide us down the path he has paved for us.

So theres my rant people. This girl is gonna be a missionary in Arizona in 90 days. 

Write me.

Send me cookies…

No, sunscreen. Send me sunscreen.

Bored Work Chronicles.

the great Gatsby is a dumb movie. Jay-Z didn't exist in the 20's. sorry.
the new flavor of monster, Ultra Red, is really good. I can literally feel my kidneys rejecting me. but I don't care. because its delicious.
the lost and found at a gas station is the most entertaining and worrisome thing in the world. several humans are driving around with dangerously exposed fuel tanks and bank accounts.
i probably shouldn't have access to free soda and candy. but on the bright side im pretty sure i invented the awesomest new drink flavors known to man. i invite you all to be on the lookout for "Dirty Dr. Lime-Nut Zero." it will be a thing.
this is the first time in my life im missing the pear trees in my backyard change colors. withdrawals.
the radio at work is stuck on an oldies station and everyday they play the same 13 songs. because only 13 songs stood the test of time, apparently.
so i know there are sacred things in the temple that people really aren't supposed to talk about...apparently the breakfast in the cafeteria is one of those things.. but i motion for that to be broadcasted far and wide. it is magical.
i asked my mom to send me any random food lying around the house, and the things she sent me made me homesick because i knew the exact location of every item. but also excited cause i got some of those super sweet fake Mormon potato pearl things and my roommates accept me now.
my sister is officially with son and i couldn't be more excited! literally. i have never been more happy for anything in my life, and that makes me feel terrible because there are 12 other children to whom i am an aunt and i wasn't nearly this excited for any of them to exist.
there's this part of a sidewalk down on like 400 north and it says "each day i miss you more" and it makes me sad everytime i see it and also i want desperately to know the story behind it. like when we die and all the sudden know the secrets to life, the mystery of Amelia Earhart, what Ultra Violet light looks like, and that piece of sidewalk's story are the things im looking forward to most.
when my phone was broken i used it as a pager, cause i could still hear when people called and texted i just couldn't do anything about it, and ive concluded that pagers must've really sucked.
alrighty. that is all.

Vicodin adventures

kidneys are like planets. you can't really see them, but you know that in order to keep life and certain systems in balance and what not, theyre necessary. The only reason anyone ever notices kidneys is when something is wrong with them. I guess all that ignoring really pissed mine off.

 the last few nights have been horrible blurs of agonizing pain, no sleep and late night shows to keep my mind off hurting. my mother, for the second time in a row, discovered me at 4 in the morning writhing in pain. the glorious woman decided to give me some medicine. but not just any medicine. Vicodin.

my experiences with this drug pretty much stemmed from the tv drama House, in which the main character becomes severely addicted to said substance. let me just say...I get it, bro.

it all started with a dull tingling sensation in my left hand. upon inspection I learned that it was perfectly normal looking and went on with slowly sinking into a pain induced delirious stupor. but as the next few minutes went by, this sensation inched its way through the entire left side of my body- dripping into every crevice until it felt like I was growing clouds and baby laughter inside me. this distraction was, at the time, the most hauntingly beautiful thing i had ever felt.

I decided to share my experience with my mother. immediately upon speaking I realized that I was in no condition to do so. I don't remember much of what I said save a few choice sentences.

"moooooommm. stuff is weird."
"I am so...aware..of my skin... mom...I can feel it.."
"my hand is gonna fly off"
though the left side was feeling wonderful and shiny, my right side raged on. i don't know if any of you out there have felt an internal organ throb. like pulsating, pounding. it is really weird. and with every pulse it shoots pain into all corners of the body. by this point i had made my way into a bed instead of the living room floor. i laid on my right side in a desperate attempt for the sweet honey cloud- growing stuff to make its way to the pain. and it did. in short waves of relief starting in my legs and reaching up into my stomach. and i remember the last thing i felt before sleeping for the first time in 2 days was the last area of pain being smothered. and finally, since the beginning of the month i was completely free of this pain.

so all in all. this stuff rocks.

hopefully i can kick the rest of this infection in the face. got an ultrasound today- which is really a mysterious woman in a dark room rubbing you with gel- so we'll see whats up. Utah might have to be pushed back a little. :( pray for me people.

***and p.s., if this is Bradley, I still love you.***

Employment Enjoyment.

I've been jobless for 2 hours and I already don't have anything better to do.

Those of you who don't know, I have been employed by a local diner for about a year now. The beginning days were enjoyable- serving the local senior citizens, getting free diet coke, and growing accustomed to my coworkers. I knew my personality fit there perfectly from day one. and i honestly could say that i loved my job.

But as every good thing, the enjoyment wore off. This is not the first time ive experienced this decline. I call it "the death of employment enjoyment"

The death of employment enjoyment

stage one: Spoiled.

Stage one occurs when you've gotten used to the pros of your job. Free drinks, reasonable hours, overall pretty nice people, whatever the case. you get almost spoiled in that you don't even really notice or appreciate the cool stuff anymore. like a kid who's new toy just doesn't provide the same level of entertainment. but its not like your job sucks and you clock out with an overall good attitude.

Stage two: Suck.  

This most often occurs  after the first bad day or frustrating event. Or maybe even after several consecutive sucky days. Anyways the point is the attitude shift.  For me, this was the stage in which my coworker(s) were the problem. working with middle aged, smoke infested, ex druggies baby mommas with nothing else to do but work.  I started to get so sick of their bossy attitudes, taking their sucky tips out on me, and even accusing me of stealing their oh-so- sucky tips! That is literally just the cliff note version of it. (at my other job, waitressing at a senior citizen facility, this stage was when my residents started dying... that'll definitely put a damper on the day) But, There are still tolerable characteristics about working there, and by now you know your way around the place so it'd be even more frustrating to leave. but you dread going, you watch the clock, and you zombie your way through the day.

Stage three:

this is me. right now. and for the last like 3 months. oh holy crap this is a miserable stage. The things that anger me about my job literally have kept me up at night. i come home angry and stressed. How i wish i could sell out a terrible horrible person for all the crazy mean hypocritical things they do. like successfully cutting my hours in half even though she has no authority over me, or getting the boss/owner to dislike me cause GUESS WHAT? theyre friends. every single day was a constant battle to think of ways to not punch people in the face. And whispering comebacks to her under my breath and rude gestures behind her back. but not to her face cause she'd tattle like a 50 yr old child.  and day dreaming about the last day, that you will finally leave with a bang. Make your mark. release the bottled emotion on your boss.

Shameful exit.

time ticks. Clock out. Tell your favorite customers goodbye. Fake a smile to the devil. and leave quietly. yeah things never work out the way your imaginary self plans them to. no revenge. no justice.

to say im disappointed in myself is only half true. Cause its not reaaalllly me to yell at someone or try to get them fired. even if they deserve it. but it is me to stand up for myself. even if im the only one who knows it...

so i stole some crackers.

HOO-RAH!

first ever non-sarcastic religious post. gettin older errrrday.

this counts as a followup to the dumb little teenage girl post i wrote about 2 years ago.

for you newcomers out there, it was about my lack of faith in fate. i think mostly i was just mad that Jake was moving and i didnt understand his logic. he kept saying that i didnt get it, that he was "supposed to go to Virginia" and i guess the more i thought about it back then, the more stupid it sounded to me.

FALSE.

it wasnt my lack of faith in fate, it was my lack of faith in God. dont get me wrong, i had faith but not enough to understand the concept of a "plan" or "destiny." its not about those things though at all. its about the love heavenly father has for us and his divine plan for our lives.

recent events make it painfully obvious to me that God DOES have a plan for me. not like i have any idea what it is, but he does guide and direct my life to specific places and people. and  i know that he is aware of me. even when he doesnt answer my prayers. i look at unanswered prayers as a message. kind of like a "hold on, i have something better." or "jenna. you need to learn patience."

God created me and he knows me so extremely well. Sometimes i think people overlook the term "Heavenly Father." when i think of that word, it ALWAYS brings me back to my earthly father. my daddy knows me, he helped create me, he raised and taught me, he knows how to make me laugh, he understands my personality and he loves me unconditionally. why would it be different with our  father in heaven? in fact, i think itd be intensified.

there have been times where i know that God knows how ridiculous i am. that sounds weird but...ok fine, story time:)
gather 'round
(best if read like your me, and if you know me really well, you know that when im telling a story it just pretty much sounds like im rambling)

as we all know i get crazy when im home alone. and one time i heard a noise which somehow i translated into someone breaking in, so i ran upstairs and locked myself in my parents closet. and i prayed really hard that i would be safe and that i would know what to do when the person came in. but i couldnt even finish the prayer because i just had this overwhelming feeling of peace and love come over me. and i had this extremely clear picture enter my head of a portrait i had seen of Jesus Christ laughing with a little girl on his lap. and i felt like heavenly father was telling me in his own way that i was being silly and everything was ok. and then i laughed about it and went on with my day unmurdered.

i dont know, just little things i think of occasionally. i am grateful for my relationship with my father in heaven. and i am grateful that he is looking out for me and continues to bless my life with people that he knows i need and opportunities for me to grow.

Aged to (im)perfection.

So i know that i usually wait months in between posts because thats the appropriate amount of time to let my mind-blowing thoughts sink in, but im just having so many thoughts lately that i have to write more. I think this is my way of getting things out in a calm, cool, and semi-collected fashion. also, i dont think ive had my emotional post for 2012 yet.

But yes, age.
Not like this is a sore subject with super deep emotional roots or anything like that.
HAHA.
it is. So buckle up, kids.

Age. ugh. When i started this blog i was 15 and always complaining about my age and what not. thats just what i do i guess. whyyyy??? because i dont feel like this dumb little number alotted to me has ever been appropriate.
My siblings have joked that ive always been, "13 going on 30." which means that my age tends to not really correlate with my actions. im different, people. why is that such as hard concept for everyone else in the world to grasp?

Question: how many 15 years olds do you know of that have owned and operated their own little photography and piano businesses and made BANK? or volunteered hours upon hours of time at local elementary schools? OR that knew what kind of loser boys to look out for cause she had already been emotionally and almost physically abused by one?
and tell me, public, do most 16 year olds work four jobs? do most of them have better relationships with their teachers than with their friends? do you know many that could stand DIRECTLY under the influence of eating disorders and depression and say, "im too good for that."
finally, how many 17 year olds sacrifice the few friends they do have and an amazing high school to go to college and get their life started early? (which believe it or not, is pretty frikin scary)Or have never done anything in their whole life that causes them to be emotionally and most importantly spiritually guilty?

(comic relief) so i have a proposition for the world:  For those of you slightly less experienced in divine wonders of climate in other states, there is this wonder called "real feel" temperature. Thats when it can be like 80 degrees but the wind or humidity causes it to really feel like its 90. (i have a point, stick with me.)

i think that we should enact "real feel" ages. this would be extremely beneficial in pretty much every aspect of human interaction ever. like if someone was 21 but their real feel age was 16, pretty sure people would think twice before selling that loser alcohol. who knows, this could save lives.
im guessing my real feel age would be 20.... anyways, no, im sure the general public would be opposed to this. im just saying, in my utopian society, we'd all have us some real feel ages.

basically? this all boils down to me being sick and tired of everyone judging me just because of the year i was born. i get it, people, i get that you experience things as you get older and that makes you more mature blah blah blah. k really? like what? having a real job? got it. getting your heart truly and completely broken and coming out of it stronger? ohhh been there. twice. so what? what is it that im just not quite good enough at that makes me less desireable than the 22 year old party girl college drop out?

i am a rubix cube of complexity, suckas. and i cannot stand being labeled and written off by a number.

k, thats it. im good for another year.